You probably in your late70’s and you sit alone outside your white wooden house, reminiscing the good old days and how you ended up alone in a big house. You just buried your buddy a week ago. He was one of your few best friends whom you cherished very much. You have been friends since your twenties when you were chasing girls and dreams. It hurts to see him 6 feet under. The dark cloud glooms still over you ever since his death. What has life got to do with love? You ask yourself.
A clear tear cascades down your cheek as you remembered how his wife and children cried when he was being lowered down. You are not sad because of them; you are sad because you are worried about who will cry for you when you are gone. He had a good family and they took you as one of them. His children called you uncle Remmy, his grandchildren called you guka Remmy. You never missed any of his family events or when they were away they told you to take care of things especially the children’s school events. You never missed anything!!! They had you because you had no one. But where did I go wrong? You ask yourself.
It was one of those weddings you met her. It was one of those weddings you met a girl and exchanged numbers. You met her before but you didn’t have the guts to ask for her number or have a deep conversation. You then started having deep meaningful conversations over the phone. The chats never seem to end. You talked about life, society, dreams, what you ate for supper, what you did, how the day was or anything and everything that had something to be talked about.
You then met her for the first time after the wedding, she was beautiful than before. You complimented her and as any girl would do she smiled and said thank you. The date was in one of those fancy hotels in Nairobi. You both had a good conversation, took a meal then had a good conversation with genuine laughter and smiles. The day did not end there. It ended with some drinks and a lengthy conversation. Finally, it was time to leave you asked her for a movie date before she rushed to get in the Matatu.
You continued talking to her every day and each day did not pass without you two talking. You finally invited her to your place. You cooked for her favorite meal and she loved it. She complimented that you were a good cook and a kind person. You smiled and looked away. You knew she liked you but you did not say anything. It was in one of those chats she asked you what kind of relationship you want with her. You failed to answer, you said you did not know, you are a broken and that is when you opened up.
She knew what she wanted. She did not want to wait and see a man to fix himself while she waited at the bus stop. She wanted him to say how he felt and what he wanted from her. She wanted you to man up and be a man and ask her to be his girlfriend. He wanted him to say that I do not know what I want but am sure I want you to be my life partner. Is it that had?
She knew what she wanted but she didn’t want to lose the good friendship they had. She went with the flow.
The chats become less and less. You both talked on random days when you felt like. You felt frustrated why you let the ghost of your past girlfriends hurt you. It has not been easy for you to move on. You do not want to hurt her—she has a good heart—you say. You are afraid she will leave you for someone else—like the rest. You do not want to drag her to your misfortunes. She deserves someone better than you. But you do not tell her instead you avoid her. You say TIME will heal you.
Your late twenties were of anti-relationships. You scroll down through Instagram and Facebook and see people getting into and out of relationships. You say they will soon learn as you did. Relationships are not your thing now. You move on and continue building your career. You forget her existence.
Your 30’s found you unaware. You were busy climbing the corporate ladder, building business partnership and probably always chilling somewhere in the world waiting for a client or a business partner. Probably all your friends are getting married and others are celebrating their kids’ birthdays. It is in your 30’s the name ‘Uncle Remmy’ pops up. Uncle Remmy shows up with candies and toys and takes the kids out and treats them as his own. When evening comes he goes home to his sad bed alone no one to ask you how your day was.
Your 40’s life hits you hard for companionship. Probably you will be sitting in the bar somewhere with your boys (after planning this meet-up for long). They don’t talk about what they used to in their twenties. They talk about their marriage issues, how their wives are, how their kids are growing so fast, each kid’s milestone, the bills to pay and a little bit of soccer and business. They go home a happy lot but you are either happy or sad but contented to see the boys again. You go home into an empty bed. Catch a few hours of sleep since you have an early flight to catch. It then hit you they didn’t ask about you.
It is then you recalled the chile who took your breath away. It has been years since you last spoke to her. You think of calling her. Will she pick up? Will she know it is me? What will I tell her? Myriad of thoughts hits you. You gathered courage dialed her number and waited for her to pick up. She finally said “Hello”. You got stuck, no words came out of your mouth. She still has the same sweet voice. You quickly hang up. You took to her social media handles and admired her pics. She is happily married she has kids of her own. Two daughters who look just like her and now expecting a boy. She scaled up in her career. At least she is happy just the way you wanted. Happy with her family but not you.
Your 50’s you probably had attended all your friends kids parties. You might be their kid’s favorite rich uncle who let them get away with anything. You smile, share little talks and wish the kids all the best in their new stage of life and of course many gifts and then you leave. It was after one of those parties you suddenly ran into her with her kids in town. You were happy to see her.
You both exchanged pleasantries and asked her if she would mind coffee over a small talk. She agreed. You beamed with joy. You take a look at the kids, the girls are all grown up and her son it quickly catching up. You two start talking while the kids are busy with their phones. She introduced you as Uncle Remmy (again) an old-time good friend. Being Uncle Remmy you tell the kids to order whatever they want. You started having the long meaningful conversation as always with no mention of the phone call. You can’t stop looking at her smile nothing has changed so far she still the same bubbly happy girl. You find out she is in town for Christmas and she had relocated to another country due to work reasons. Your hope for meeting her again equals zero.
Your 60’s were your lonely phase. You always went to an empty house. Your boys did invite you to their children’s wedding. As always, Uncle Remmy appears alone at weddings, gift cool gifts and take good pictures with them. Then he goes home alone at the end of the day. Grandpa’ Remmy has no grandchildren of his own to spoil. Nobody has his bloodline. His name and legacy die with him alone.
Your 70’s you became a good loner. Most people you know have either died or in retirement homes. You have nobody to talk to how your day went. Nobody to talk to about your achievement and how proud you are for the little things that your wife did and kids. You have nobody to help you around the house apart from the nurse and help who comes once in a while. You have no kids or grandchildren to share the stories about how life was during your youthful years. No wife to share with the sunrise and tell them we made it again another day and how beautiful she is --from the first time you met her she is still the same. And when the sunsets you have no wife to kiss her forehead and tell her, “I am happy you were always here every sunrise and sunsets. I am happy you chose me and I chose you.”
So, when you die… you die alone. And when the grave will not have “…he was a loving husband, father and grandfather…” just “…a good friend…”
As dusk settles in, you get up from the old chair outside your white wooden house into the big house and prepare a small meal. Its valentine for the umpteenth time and you still think of her.
See, life is never that serious when the heart loves, let it speak.
Love Ckenna.